I have been open about what's been going on with the people I'm really close to, though not with everyone due to wanting to avoid massive shame bouts that come with judgment (shame is a big problem for me). This includes my new boyfriend, who told me he was okay with what was going on. I was stupid to accept this at face value, but he was also dishonest with me. - Lo

Congrats for being open and sharing this. Hope you continue to be successful in meeting life's challenges. And if your boyfriend isn't honest with you now...*sigh* might need to find someone that will support you 100%. *hugs* - Just another Bubba

Since I moved here, things have been incredibly hard for me. On the surface everything was going well, because I was putting forth a massive effort to fit nicely into his life, but I was really getting overwhelmed. It has since been established that for whatever reason he is ashamed of admitting that he is in a relationship with me, even to people who have never met me before, and thus he was not introducing me to anyone and never invited me to do fun stuff with his friends. - Lo

Then I got sick, and I have been sicker than I have in a long time. I sort of lost my shit and got epically drunk, which I admit was a poor idea. He found this out (I don't lie to him), and reacted by saying we could never date or be close friends ever again, as he could never trust me ever. This was so out of the blue, the first consequence I'd suffered (I kept rationalizing that my drinking was okay as it hadn't caused any consequences) and was enough to shock me right back into the rooms. - Lo

I'm actually grateful to him, even though he is being an idiot, because it pushed me past all my mixed feelings about AA and allowed me to go there without reservations. And it's there that I am finally meeting people that I actually like and who are kind to me. - Lo

I later talked with the boyfriend, and he calmed down and apparently wants to try to work things out. I really think he has no basis to complain much, seeing as how I immediately stopped as soon as he told me it bothered him. But the whole thing has me pondering whether I should just move on and fill my life with people who are more supportive. - Lo

I hate that you are going through this. - Mary Carmen

After lengthy discussions with my father, I am going to try and stay (if I get a good job will play a big part). I want to deal with these challenges, as this is part of a major life pattern for me. I knew these issues would come up, and that is why I came here. I've had messed up relationships my whole life, and I want to stand and face the crazy and not let it destroy my sense of self-worth, whether or not the relationship actually survives. If I can maintain my boundaries and self-respect and it doesn't work out, that would be awesome for me. - Lo

Yes. You should fill your life with people who will support you. - vicster.

Boo him for being judgmental when you're being honest. It sucks because the whole reason you're painfully honest with someone is because you trust them. When they hurt you like that they need to realize they have also damaged the trust and need to work on fixing it too. Yay you for being honest and seeking help. - Heather

The last few days were really hard, particularly the night when I was debating whether to go to the ER with the coughing, and I felt really low for a while. But even though I'm kind of alone here, people on FF and with text messages have reminded me that I do have value, and that really meant a lot to me. XOXOXOXO to FF, as always. - Lo

Heza, there is no question the boy has issues. I knew that coming in, but now I see they're worse than I maybe thought. I should mention, he did apologize at the time of telling me it was all over, because he recognized that his dishonesty helped create the situation to begin with. - Lo

If he's serious about working on his junk, that's one thing. If it's just part of a pattern, you deserve much better. - Heather

But let me be clear - this is about me, not about him or anyone else. He is really new to the whole concept of facing your own issues, where I have years of training. Me being patient is not about giving in, but about learning not to have high expectations of other people. This is a REALLY BIG DEAL for me. I will not let him treat me like shit. I already put my foot down yesterday, and he was so stunned I almost feel bad for the little tyke :P - Lo

Well, that's the question I've been asking myself Heza ;) This is the first problem like this we've had. It remains to be seen whether he will work on his shit, or if this is just going to be the new status quo. He does seem to genuinely want to deal with stuff, I just don't think he knows how. He said he was going to Al-Anon before I even suggested it. And boy, does he need it. - Lo

You deserve to have people in your life who support your efforts to be the best Lo you can be and who make it safe to be honest with them when you make a mistake. I'm sorry that your boyfriend is not being that kind of person in your life right now but it sounds like you are finding that support at your AA meetings (and your friends here as well), and that's great. (((((Lo))))) - vicster.

***hugs*** and what vicster said about having people in your life who support you. - Sir Shuping is just sir

My plan is to try and make a life here, to keep my side of the street clean as the saying goes, to fill my life with other activities and friends that do not involve him & his friends (who I've always felt uncomfortable around, and I'm starting to think I don't like them... was just forcing myself to... they seem phony and boring... don't tell anyone I said that :P). Either he will work things out and we'll both learn a lot, or the relationship will just fail, and if Wisconsin sucks too much I'm moving to Seattle. - Lo

Fortunately, I have a backup city with lots of people who are so accepting it kinda freaks me out. A goal of mine is to be comfortable with being loved and supportive. It makes me sort of uneasy now. Frak, it's like I was raised by wolves. - Lo

I admit, I really want to see if I can get the sex shop job & that's part of what kept me from bailing immediately :P I want to know everything about vibrators! - Lo

I feel better now, you are on top of the sitch. :) Even when you have all sorts of crap being thrown at you, you really do handle yourself well. I know it comes from the tough stuff you've been through, but it's one of the things I admire you for. - Heather

Thanks, Heather, that means a lot to me. To be fair, I did spend several days in bed feeling sorry for myself before reaching this point. I am really going to have a hard time forgetting that this happened when I was sick. Not being able to go for a run, etc, or go do distracting things really sucked donkey balls. As that one song goes, "and I might forgive but I do not forget." - Lo

Big love. And I'm glad you made it back to AA and are taking care of yourself. In no case should you ever be with someone who is ashamed of being with you; I hope it works out well. - ωαřмaiden ❤Bassetmom❤

There is no shame in admitting that you are not perfect. And anyone worth knowing wouldn't judge you for it. Coming from a family with a genetic predisposition towards addiction, I understand full well how tough things can be, especially with admitting that you need help. I am glad you are doing something about it and not giving it a chance to completely ruin your life. I wish you all the strength you need. - April Russo (FForever!)

If bringing this up on FF makes it easier for you to deal with, then by all means, keeping laying it on us. Good to hear that you're pulling yourself out. - Kenton

Otto. alcoholism has nothing to do with the amount one drinks or how often. One could even define a person that only has a drink once a year, a single glass of champagne at midnight on New Year's, as an alcoholic, if they think they need it and can't get through that night without it. My father defines an alcoholic as anyone whose life would be improved if they never drank again. His definition is very broad and includes a lot of people that otherwise wouldn't be considered alcoholics, but it could be the most accurate one I have ever heard, especially if the person knows their life would be improved, yet they still continue to drink. - April Russo (FForever!)

Jill, I was actually planning on asking to come to visit you this weekend if things didn't get better, but they did. As always :) There are some various meetings & whatnot I want to do then, but I'll catch up with you soon, promise. - Lo

Otto, this year I've only had a few beers on a semi-regular but not frequent basis, but there were a handful of times when I got extremely drunk due to intense anxiety. After getting drunk past a certain point (somewhere north of three drinks in a relatively short time), I sort of lose control of my ability to judge whether I should be drinking more or not, and just do. From what I understand, this is a pretty common experience among people who appear to have a genetic tendency toward alcoholism. Back before I originally got sober back when I was 23, though, I would drink a fifth of whiskey or whatever I could find in a day. It was unbelievably bad for someone my age and size, and I got to that point in about a year. But I started trying to quit fairly soon after that, and did for good in just under two. It is an unusually short & severe history for an alcoholic, though. Most people associate alcohol with fun and it just gradually gets out of control, some use it for self-medication for mental illness or after trauma. I grew up seeing alcohol as a way to handle the lameness that is life and rarely drank (never until college, in fact) but at some point my life became so lame I couldn't take it anymore. So I drank. It quickly became a ritualistic form of self-punishment. Even after quitting drinking, I had a lot of problems and discomfort because of my original problem, which counseling & AA did not help me with. Now that I've gained insight into my problem & how to handle it, and recognizing the relief alcohol provides me for anxiety and self-loathing, I basically decided to experiment and see whether I could do so safely or if I was a "real drunk." I rationalized there were no consequences (the classic definition of addiction being that you don't stop even when there are consequences), and then there was a huge one, and I stopped. I'm lucky it didn't get more out of control and that I had drifted far enough from AA to not feel ashamed - some who are big into AA and relapse end up committing suicide, unfortunately. Sorry, that was the shortest answer I could think of! - Lo

Kenton, I don't know if it's easier, but shame is a big part of how I got to be a drunk in the first place, so I'm trying to be comfortable with letting a bunch of people know where I'm at. Many folks are pretty misinformed about addiction as well as available treatment (there actually isn't any treatment that "works," but about 5% of addicts annually do recover), so I have felt unfairly judged on many occasions, which makes me crazy. I'm trying to learn to be okay with where I'm at as long as it's working for me, and not worry about what other people think. Forgive my prolixity, but these are the sort of things I cannot discuss in AA meetings. - Lo

Incidentally, the *best* part about drinking was the night or two when I drunkenly posted on FF. Finally it made sense, the hilarity y'all post on drunken confession nights. One of those "won't do it again, but kinda glad I did" things. Fortunately those nights are fun even when not drinking. - Lo

I'm glad to hear that you are back in the rooms, Lo. They can be an extremely important part of the recovery process, especially when the group with whom you're meeting is good and supportive. Another good resource is http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums.... Reading through other people's posts, and getting reactions from people that understand can be extremely cathartic. The most important part, though, is to always remember to take it one day at a time. - COMPLICATED MR. NOODLE

One day at a time, resentment and righteous indignation are never good ideas, the serenity prayer, and most of all this too shall pass are the four main things that everyone should probably learn, normies too. AA really got them right, and I have dutifully adhered to them entire time, even after I stopped going to meetings. It's kind of a kick to realize how fully I've internalized TTSP and how much it's improved my life. It and Taoism are how I beat my apparently genetic suicidal impulses. They still happen, but they don't even bother me. - Lo